Moments of clarity

Sometimes, I just can't see the point why I'm here. I can't see the big picture. I desperately want to have a glimpse of the future just so I can be confident that I'm really meant to be here at this place at this precise point in time. I ask for signs, for confirmation, that there's a deeper reason why I'm here, even if I personally think it's a waste of time. I try to dig my own tunnel and find ways to escape but always seem to crawl into dead ends. I pray that He grants my requests, that He gives me what I've been asking for. After all, He was the one who said to "ask" and "you shall receive", right?

However, James 4:3 says "When you pray for things, you don't get them because you want them for the wrong reason-for your own pleasure." And to drill the message deeper into my heart, he adds in 1 John 5:14 "This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us" Ok fine :P If God could, he would've whacked my head already for being so stubborn.

Patience has never been my best asset. In fact, it's my least practiced virtue in life. I don't like the waiting, the anxiety of not knowing what's going to happen and when it's going to happen if it's going to happen. But after much thought, after much prayer, after much Bible studies and devotion time, after much consulting with more mature people, I've realized God's message is very simple.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. - Proverbs 3: 5-6

I don't know which Bible version these verses were taken from, but I'm sure this is the best translation yet. I'm declaring that God's will will prevail in my life. And that is my moment of clarity.

See you at the finish line!

Helloooooo!

Right, I still have a blog! Yes, I still exist. Yes, I'm still alive.

Amidst the idleness and the boredom, I found a new way to feel alive. That is.. to run. Run in circles and sweat it out. If I can't pour out the energy at work, I can at least divert it to some other activity in life.

Yes, be surprised. The closest thing I have to "exercise" is [window] shopping and getting something in my room upstairs (which of course entails going up the stairs and going back down to where I came from). But now... I'm able to run for 5 minutes straight, and get my shirt drenched with sweat. Really, that's a HUGE achievement for someone who *almost* fainted after running for 30 seconds. I had to lie down at BHS's steps to get my head cleared up again. Beads of sweat didn't even form in my forehead during the first time I ran. Go, you can clap for me now :) Thank you! :)

Now I realized... I defied my own limits. I broke the barriers I planted around myself. I broke the routines I established. So whoever said boredom kills? In my personal opinion, boredom is the gateway to bigger, better, healthier opportunities.

Yes, relating mundane things with life's bigger realizations is a staple of this blog.

Newbie

Everything is new to me, everything is a first-time experience. Most especially my line of work. It's quite a bit of change in perspective, and I've got a whole lot of stuff to learn before I can actually contribute anything substantial to the team. The whole process is extremely challenging, and sometimes I end up thinking if it's worth it. During the meeting this afternoon, however, my bigger boss said something that I will remember for the rest of my life: our job is done when the customers are happy. In other words, we are fulfilled when they are happy. Cliche. Every service-oriented business says that in their ads. But, if you really think it over, it makes life simpler. Simpler is better [product placement. haha!] That, I think, is the essence of our life here on earth. Service. To serve others in every way we can. To be of service to the people we don't even like. To know that you made life easier for someone else.

Easier said than done. I'm still learning the ropes. But, at least I know I'm in the right team now. :D

Geek

Cool. I found this on the Internet.

http://doods.wordpress.com/2007/04/15/new-philnits-certified-it-professionals/

My name's cited there somewhere :P Geek. Haha :D

When we leave our comfort zone, growth.

I was browsing through the comments section of one of my favorite bloggers and one of his friends left a comment:

When we leave our comfort zone, growth.

It struck a raw nerve. Because I am comfortable in a few aspects of my life right now. (I'm highlighting the word FEW. There are still areas in my life that I would want to be comfortable in, pero hindi ako dyosa..not too perfect you know:P) And haven't you noticed that I only write when I feel strongly about something or when I have a realization that I want to share with the world? I don't blog about stuff like my dog peed on the post of our stairs this morning. So anyway, before I stray too far from the topic, I cannot agree more with what he said. When we become comfortable, we fall into a routine and the next series of events become predictable. When people ask me how I am these days, I answer "same old same old". And I feel now that that's not entirely good.

It dawned on me that I might be experiencing quarter-life crisis.. wanting growth and looking for change to trigger growth... nurture my spirituality... live independently and boost my career. I think most of my friends are going thru the same thing. But then again, I know most adults who are way past their early 20s, but are still in a similar kind of predicament.

Sometimes, I feel that I'm living below my potential (right now). And that's probably the triggering factor why I'm feeling routinized. And now that i know that I can do way better than this, perform better when I have the proper mindset, I have already made the first step in instigating change.

Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown. --Author unknown

$$$It's all about the money$$$

Is it? It's easy to say yes. After all, who doesn't want money? We live in a culture where success, fame, and power is attributed to the savings you have in the bank and the gadgets you carry with you while strutting down High Street with your latest Blair Waldorf get-up. (For those who don't watch Gossip Girl, google "Blair Waldorf" under Images. See for yourself.) Who doesn't want to have more so you can spend more and have more and spend more all over again?

For the past weeks, I've been swayed by countless opinions and advices on the issue of resignation for a higher pay, better benefits, and company stability. And I think I've been listening to a lot already. At the end of the day, I get confused. My feelings deceive me into thinking I might have made a wrong decision. After my last post, I thought I'd be ok. You know, get it out of my system, move forward and get on with life and work. But... like a plankton, I get swayed by the current. Now you know where I get my blog title from. :P Gas prices are unbelievable, tuition fees got paid, allowances are to be budgeted, bills need to be paid... these are even more respectable reasons (over the need to carry a certain brand of bag while dining in Serendra) why you need more money. But after some think time (and counsel time w/ Mom and Auntie Ann), I realize the values they instilled in me got a little bit wired up. And now they need some detangling.

I'd like to take this time to re-affirm myself that I did not make a wrong decision. Neither choices were wrong anyway. It's just a matter of sticking to your choice and making it right (yes, yes, i already said that before. i'm just re-affirming :P) It's a matter of honoring the commitment I made, the word I gave. It's a matter of ethics and knowing your values. To be honest, I was at the verge of changing my mind.. again. But after tonight, after hearing what everybody has to say (for the LAST time), I now decide to stick to my choice, manage the decision every day, and live with it for the rest of my life. Will that promise me a better future? I don't know. Who knows anyway. But, as I've read and learned before, happines is a choice and I decide to be happy with my choice and my choice is to make my life better. I will come out of this experience with a few cubic centimeters added to my brain and next time, I will have a better reason for leaving. haha! But seriously, this has been a learning experience. As they say.. charge it to experience!!! I can now say that I personally feel that money should never be my driving force. It has to be something deeper than that. I have faith that God will provide. After all, money is just MONEY (Momentarily Owned, Never Eternally Yours --thanks rp).

DISCLAIMER #1:
Don't get me wrong. I still want to strut down High Street with my Blair Waldorf headband and my Aldo shoes and dine at Portico or somewhere with my Kate Spade just because I want those and just because I'm me. I'm not being hypocrital here. hehe :P Wish ko lang.. sana may quarterly bonus this quarter. Sale pa sa ALDO =))

DISCLAIMER #2:
All stuff written here are purely personal opinions and insights and I do not, by any means, wish to offend anyone :) Whatever works for you, right? :)

Spilled Milk

What do you do with spilled milk? Well, after blaming yourself for being so clumsy, you wipe it off and forget about it and consume the rest of your drink. Right?

A few weeks ago, I just had to make one of the toughest decisions in my life that may affect my future career and that's already spilled milk. It's done and I'm supposed to be moving forward. But for some reason, most probably because of my fickleness and not being able to stick to my choices at most times, I'm still wondering about what to do with the puddle of milk before me. Lick it off? Eewy. Put it back into my glass? Even more eewy.

I would like to say that I do not regret the decision, but let's not be hypocrital. There are times when I want to change my mind and take back what I said. But that's too late for that now. But there are times when I feel I didn't lose anything anyway and I'm still in a good position (with a bright future) after all that happened. But whenever I think of the spilled milk.. I feel.. sayang. My friends would slap me back into reality if they could while telling me there's nothing left to do but stick to the choice I made. But I can't help but think of the what-ifs, the what-could-have-beens. How do you not think about those anyway?

Boyfriend shared this thought nugget with me while I was ranting to him about my situation:

In life, we will make some good decisions and some bad ones. But whatever choice we make, God gave us the capability to make it right.

Or something like that. Makes sense right? Galing talaga ni boyfriend :P Only time will tell if I made a good or bad decision. But whatever it will be, I am in the position to make it right now. And I will make it right. I have yet to learn how not to think about the what ifs.. because really, that's all they'll ever be: what ifs. And I will be wasting precious time and effort thinking about it instead of pouring all my energy into making my decision right. So, every morning, I just have to repeat to myself: good or bad, make it right. good or bad, make it right. good or bad, make it right. Until I forget about the what-ifs and learn to appreciate what I have now. Spilled milk is spilled milk. Just wipe it off.