Just off the top of my head

God is a good God, and He did not create the world evil. I just heard from a talk I attended tonight that people are inherently good since we are made in God's likeness. I agree. Evil therefore comes out because of our weaknesses. But, God has promised that in our weakness, He is made strong. So, that means we still have the capability to turn something evil into something good IF we let go and let God.

Stuff you should know

I got a forwarded email from an ex-officemate yesterday, and some of the quotes made me laugh out loud so I thought of sharing it to the world as well (or at least those reading my blogs, thaaaanks :P). I was thinking of forwarding it but.. I wanted other people to read it without me sending mails to them. Hehe :D

"Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pag tinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga lang, hindi lahat matibay para sa temptasyon."

"Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."

"Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

"Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

"Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."
"Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."
"Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una."
"dalawang dekada ka lang mag-aaral. kung 'di mo pagtityagaan, limang dekada ng kahirapan ang kapalit. sobrang lugi. kung alam lang 'yan ng mga kabataan, sa pananaw ko ehh walang gugustuhing umiwas sa eskwela."
"Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa'yo mga magulang mo, pwde kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sa pag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sa kili-kili. Sa banding huli, ikaw din ang biktima. Rebeldeng walang napatunayan at bait sa sarili."
"Wag magmadali sa pag-aasawa. Tatlo, lima , sampung taon sa hinaharap, mag-iiba pa ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong di pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang sa kaboses niya si Debbie Gibson o magaling mag-breakdance. Totoong mas importante ang kalooban ng tao higit anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan sa eskwelahan e nagmumukha ring pandesal. Maniwala ka."

Make sense right? :)

Something about going up and crashing down.

Certain events in my life have pushed me to do things I won't normally do. Like wall climbing. It's not really my thing. I'd rather be shopping you know. But... gotta give my boring life a spike. So lets go wall climbing :)

They said that the perfect place for beginners is the wall at Market! Market!. I've been there many times and just shook my head when crazy people were climbing up the walls. Now I'm one of them. And it feels great :D Kuya Reggae even gave the second climb for free since I made it the first time. Not bad for a beginner.

Mid-way up the wall, I was deciding whether to let go and just fall back down, or save my face and at least try to make it to the top. Then I saw kids (yep, kids!) climbing up the inclined (overhang? I'll be learning the terms soon :P) wall faster than Spider-man. So I thought if they can do it, so can I. Heck, I was just climbing a flat wall! Hahaha! So I made it. Whether I think I can or can't, I'm right anyway. I decided I can :) When I was already 12 meters above the ground, I thought that the hardest part would be going down. How was I going to do that?! So I was up there for a few minutes or so laughing alone and holding on to the two pieces of rock like they were the last rocks on earth. I was afraid to look down because that's what they always say, right? Never look down? Haha! Then I heard Kuya Reggae shouting "Kapit sa tali! Ako bahala sayo!" And I was like.. let go of the rocks? What's wrong with you? Then Nic, my climbing buddy, said I have to hold on to the rope so the belayer can secure me down, cos that's his job. Oh. That's his job. So when I let go of the rocks and held on to the rope, Kuya Reggae eased me down like he's been doing it all his life. (He probably has.. haha!) Crashing down has never been so easy :D

More pictures at my multiply site. Gotta be my friend first, stalkers not allowed :P

Conclusion

While reading through the entries I've written, I realized I really didn't make some things clear enough. So, to finalize events, here is all I can say:

LDR does not work.

At least, it doesn't for me. It would have, you know. I was willing to wait and compromise. But, oh well. Things happen for a reason. God is busy preparing the many things he has in store for me, and I'm waiting faithfully.

So that's it. Simple and concise. Let's not go for strike 3 ok? :)

Status Report

Many have asked if I'm ok because I haven't written anything for a few days now. Yes, I am. You must remember that I write best when I'm overwhelmed with emotions. And now that I got my act back, I'm able to focus more on other things like work and my social life. I'm actually doing better than expected. A friend told me it's good that I'm not falling apart. Oh, but I did! I did fall apart. Who wouldn't? I just have a great support system who put humpty dumpty back together.

People who know me well know that I think obsessively. And for the past weeks, I have been contemplating on the things happening to my life. Was it my fault? Could I have done anything to prevent it from happening? Am I really mad? And I realized the answers to these questions are all no. Probably, my only fault was trusting too much, being complacent and over-estimating capabilities of others to foresee the consequences of their actions. And nothing in my power could've prevented this from happening. As I've said in one of my first entries, it was bound to happen. As for anger, I really am not mad. Other friends are telling me I should be bitter with all that happened. Yes, sometimes I am. But since I've been in the other side of the coin at some point in my life, I understand how it feels too. I know that it never was the intention to hurt someone else. But then again, you allowed for it to happen so... that's what you get when you let your heart win (whoooaaaa). I strongly suggest to use your brain as well sometimes.

My prayer these days is not for them to fall into a manhole (just trying to be funny), but for no one to feel what I'm feeling. I pray that everyone's happy. That this won't happen AGAIN (if you know what I mean..). Because no one deserves to feel this kind of pain. I've forgiven, but it's too hard to forget just yet. My prayers have been working wonders for me these past few weeks and I know it will continue to sustain me and hopefully everyone else in the future. Hopefully, this is the last entry on this topic. But who knows, right? :P It's like I'm in a precipice and any gush of wind will send me crashing back down. But I'll be optimistic for a change. Let's not feel sad for me already. Let's not hurt for me. Time to move on for real :D

What's wrong with the male population?

Comfort food (I'm eating now) for shitty times. Jaui and I decided to have lunch at Serendra and ponder on why men have to make things difficult. We just recently realized that all the stress and hyperventilation and pressure are coming from the men in our lives - officemates, fiances, exes. All men. We were about to get coffee from Coffee Bean High Street and do more XY bashing when a group of male foreigners blocked our way and one of them greeted us. The conversation (if you call it a conversation) went something like this:

XY chromosome: Ahh.. pretty ladies!
XX chromosomes: [looking at each other, thinking if we're supposed to run away now]
XY chromosome: I'm a decent man, with a decent job. I'm a good guy. And I'm looking for someone who could perhaps have dinner with me and get to know me...
XX chromosome (me): Sorry, we're not available [starts to walk away]
XY chromosome: [looking at Jaui] Ah but she is! (comment lang: OH THE IRONIES OF LIFE! HAHAHA)
XX crhomosome (Jaui): Sorry, I'm not. [walking away now]

So there. We got (in)decent proposals at lunch hour at Boni High Street. We were laughing all the way back to the office.

Again.. my ultimate question for the month: What's wrong with the male population?

XY

Interesting day so far.

Super duper great coffee (I think the baristas know I'm going through something... they're putting something in there, I swear). Healthy lunch (at least I think it's healthy). Not so healthy but super yummy dessert. Then worship tonight. So far so good :D

The past week has been a rollercoaster ride and my emotions are on the extremes, but I am slowly mastering the art of diversion. The fact that my blogs aren't as heavy and as poetic(poetic nga ba? :P) as before should mean something, right? Right. And after spending the weekend in hibernation and shopping, I have come to accept (another acceptance) that the XY chromosome is complex. If women are algebra, then they're calculus. I was never good at calculus.

Today is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it :P

Ditto

Heard this on the radio and I just can't stop smiling. :D Beyonce couldn't have said it in a better way :P

If I were a boy
I think that I’d understand
how it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
cause I know how it hurts
when you lose the one you wanted
cause he’s taken you for granted
and everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy
You don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything that you had got destroyed
But your just a boy

It's not the end of the world.

Wallowing-in-self-pity phase is done. Let's move on to the count-your-blessings phase. :D This blog is already weighed down by the raw emotions it carries. So to balance stuff, let's look at the bright side of things.

A friend told me I can still act normal and bash people and feel bitter. But I am normal without the bashing and the bitterness (ok fine.. just a little bit bitter :P). I found out that when you get immensely hurt, you have no energy left to feel anything else. Instead, you unconsciously focus on healing and getting back on your feet. And the bashing and the most part of the bitterness will be taken care of by your loyal and faithful friends. :D

If there's one thing that I'm thankful for (inspite of all the events that happened), it's the overflowing number of friends I didn't realize I have. And if it were not for certain people, I would never have met them at all and they wouldn't have been here for me at the time I needed them most. Every night is coffee night and the weekend is booked with activities with different people. I've never been this in-demand in the last few years :P

So, so what right? I'm still a rock star and I've got my rock moves and I'm alright and I'm just fine. At day 4, I'm acknowledging that God is able to turn mourning into dancing in His own time. And even though I'm not feeling like the dancing has started yet, I have faith that God will never allow His beautiful children to get stuck in mourning for a long time. I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my pain, I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord. :)

So one day at a time. Start it with a prayer, a little bit of makeup, and a tall hot hazelnut latte. Before I even realize it, work is done and I'm having coffee again, decaf this time, with people who matter. Another day ends and I find myself looking forward to the next one :)

Life's consolations

Since my body is rejecting all kinds of solid food, I'm trying to drink as much as I can. Comfort drinks for shitty times :D

And I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the people who bought them for me (yes, got them all for free!!!! sucker for freebies :P)

- Yesterday's drink was sponsored by a barista from Starbucks San Antonio Village.
- Today's drink was sponsored by Jaui.
- Today's lunch (still in liquid form) was sponsored by Consuelo.

More power to you friends who offer consolation prizes in life. You never know what free drinks can do for a damaged heart.

Back to normal.

Around me, everything seems so normal. The boys banter around like they always do. Emails arrive from the usual people. All issues are flagged critical and I don't know which one I should prioritize. But inside... everything's changed.

They say it will get better in time. I know that. But right now... the pain just envelopes me.

I have my support system. And everything seems ok and better when they're around. But when I'm alone in my room or in my cube.. it's a totally different story.

At least I know each day is better than the previous one. .01% progress is better than none at all. I wonder how long I have to keep writing before I can look back on all the entries and just laugh it off..

A friend says my smile brightens up his day. (Now I've heard/read that before. Wonder when/where.. hehe) If only he knew that the happiest smile masks the saddest heart.

Night and Day

The nights are tolerable, but it's the waking up to a bright morning that will probably send you crashing down. Maybe because at night, when everything is dark, you feel the world is cooperating with you. It mourns while you mourn. It grieves while you grieve. It's able to mask the sadness, the hurt.

But bright mornings? There's no place to hide. You pray that there will be some comfort during the day that you'll have to endure. But prayer and divine intervention aside, you still can't numb the pain. And the world goes on. With all its beauty and cheerfulness. And you have to go through it everyday until the wound becomes a scab... then a scar. And all you can do is pray that you don't bump into anything that will rub it raw and open again.

Happiness is a choice, love is a commitment.

First was fear that my instincts were correct. Then came the denial. Then the shortness of breath, the shaking of the hands, and then the tears waiting to pour like water in a dam with leaks. I should've known. It was a time bomb waiting to explode. And explode it did.

I always thought that stuff like this only happens in movies and soaps. But almost all of us, me included, forget that those stories are reflections of life's realities. The actors cry buckets of tears. And so do the humans.

Does it hurt? Hurt is an understatement. The physical pain associated with it is NOTHING compared to the pain the heart -- and the soul -- are feeling. In loving, you submit yourself not to the possibility of getting hurt but to the assurance that you will get hurt. There are no possibilities. Only assurances.

Am I ok? Yes, but of course I've known better times. You cannot take away from me my grateful heart. And I thank the Lord every time I wake up for the glorious life he has planned out for me. I stumble, often times on people's feet they (un)consciously stick out before me and I fall flat on the floor sometimes... but at the end of the day I get up and know that the best is yet to come.

"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope." -- Jeremiah 29:11

Am I angry? I'd be a hypocrite if I say I didn't feel angry. But anger will just make my shoulders hurt even more. So instead of feeling angry, I focus on the good vibes. I am thankful that the bomb exploded now while there's still so much to save and evacuate. I choose to be happy. Someone I know used to tell me that happiness is a choice, and for that nugget of wisdom I am thankful to him. I choose to be happy and stay happy despite the disastrous circumstances I'm in.

I write not to ask for sympathy. I write to heal. And the healing starts now.